When my husband announced his long-term affair to me, the bottom of my world dropped out. Everything I thought was real was not. Everything I knew I could count on, I could not. I plunged headfirst into the depths of the grief process. I could barely make it through the day. I could not eat and lost 25 pounds in two months. I could not sleep through the night and exhibited signs of post-traumatic stress disorder due to the trauma. I needed a place to turn.
I did what most of us do when confronted with an unimaginable challenge, be it a health scare, our children, a job loss, or any terrible topic you can fill the blank with. I went to the internet. I looked for an LDS source. I yearned for help. I needed an article, someone who had been through this and survived, advice that aligned with my beliefs. I went to the onsite search bars of bookstores, message boards, the main church website. I tried blogs, unofficial and official magazines, therapy sites.
There was nothing. There was no-one.
I write as a way to document the struggles, the realities, the beauty, the pain, the journey. But I also write for you. I cannot allow you to experience what I did. It is an incredibly lonely journey for a member of our church. There are wonderful general conference talks on trials in general. There are a few new articles on how to prevent emotional and physical affairs in this day and age of workplaces with the opposite sex in close proximity and long hours. But nothing for someone who has already become the victim of this sin, but does not want to remain a victim. There are blogs for people dealing with the heartache of porn addiction (fantastic resources!), but nothing for me. Look for an article in the Church resources on whether you should divorce and it says the only exceptions are abuse and adultery. That would leave me utterly discouraged. What happens then? What happens when you do have adultery? Clearly, no one can write a specific article on what’s exactly right for your situation, but there must be some better advice that can be given. Tell me what to look for. Give me stories of recovery. Acknowledge in some way what I am going through.
In the span of a two short years, there have finally been some talks that touch on this heartache. There are more resources on social media that are just beginning to pop up. I am hopeful and encouraged by this budding trend. I hope to be a part of it for the better.
Right now I am still married. I do not know if we will remain married, but God above knows I am trying. At least if the worst happens, I can look God, myself, and my children in the face and say I gave it everything I could.
Comment on any post or email me any requests for topics to cover. Any questions you are carrying in your heart. I will do my best. You are not alone.
In the very beginning, I had a friend tell me quietly and firmly, “you are going to be just fine.” She did not offer it as a placating platitude. I felt the Spirit testify to me as she said the words. I felt the truth of it pierce my soul. I tell you now, with that same conviction, that you can take charge of your life, your healing, and your future. You are going to be just fine.
2 Comments
Thank you so much for this website. I learned about 2 months ago about my husband’s affair. My situation was different because we were already separated. It was partly because I needed more help taking care of our son, who has Down syndrome. But he’d gotten his own apartment in the city prior to my decision to move back home (which was helped along by the house next door to my parents and sister going up for sale!). I still had hopes that we could work things out–we’d been married almost 27 years when we separated, but he’d been inactive for the last 9 years. I hung on as long as I could. The separation was final in December, and in February I learned that his girlfriend was living with him–he’d been seeing her for several years. Looking back it seems clear that she was not the first. I’d suspected infidelity for a long time but couldn’t find proof and didn’t want to believe that it could possibly be true. Learning about that betrayal shakes your entire world. Now I’m in the middle of divorce and dealing with custody issues. But through everything I’ve seen the Lord’s hand so clearly–even in the worst of times He is there to carry us through. Your wise words have helped get me through some hard times–thank you. This is a beautiful blog and you’re a great writer.
I am so glad you have found some comfort here. It really does shake your world. But I believe with all my heart you will be able to find a strength in yourself you did not know you had. I also believe that you deserve love; you deserve to be honored and treated like a Queen. I believe God knows you have done everything you can. I hope you can find the ability to move forward and find joy.