Unlike previous years, I had no difficulty knowing how I wanted this New Year – 2019! – to look. Clear. I want absolute clarity. In previous prayers I had often expressed in anguish, “I can’t do this anymore!” But the problem was that I didn’t know quite yet what this was. I finally figured it out. This was not having a direction. It was allowing myself to be treated disrespectfully because I didn’t know how to to do any better. I mean honestly, it was basically how I treated myself. And as the saying goes, people treat us about the way we treat ourselves. This was being in limbo. Living with one foot in one direction and the other in another. Waiting around to see what happened. Making the same mistakes. Going in the same circles. It was me settling for less. Me letting someone else decide my future.
But as my blinders continue to fall off, I realize that clarity is what really resonates in my soul. I hope my marriage will heal and continue, but I cannot continue to live in the place where it is going nowhere, just limping along. This year I will know the direction I am going in. I will have faith and hope, but I will not dismiss reality. Blinders are not protection. I am now ready to protect myself.
The biggest piece of this has been learning to love myself. I have been doing Dr. Margaret Paul’s Inner Bonding program and it has been huge for me. Being able to take care of myself, to learn how to create healthy relationships rather than co-dependent ones. Accepting that my husband may decide he does not want to be with me, and being able to healthily grieve and know that it doesn’t determine my worth or my future joy. Accepting that I may not continue the marriage because I can’t live with being the thing he settles for. And knowing that I can stand before God and say, “I did everything I could.”
I still hope that we will heal and create the marriage we both want. I am still working on it. But I am working on it because I choose to; not because I can’t live without him, or my self-worth depends on it. I have a lot of writing to do in the next few weeks. Two things are coming up: one I am excited about, one I am not. One I can control, one I can only control my part in. Next Thursday, I leave for a solo trip to Europe for three weeks. I am going to wander, pray, eat, explore, write, love (myself), and work on healing. It is also the day that our therapeutic separation begins. Before, the latter would have brought me to my knees. Now, I know that no matter what happens, I will be okay with Heavenly Father’s help. I will discuss more in a future post. For now, I am trying to improve in one sticky area of self-care: going to bed.
But yes, this is my year to be clear. To be clear about my goals, myself, my future, my faith. To take care of myself and love myself. To not have my entire year revolve around this crisis. But instead, to be about my healing, hopes, and goals.
What are your goals for this year? What progress would you like to make? What’s your intention?
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