Holidays can be a struggle when you are living with a difficult situation in your marriage. Valentine’s Day can be a huge trigger. You may be with your spouse, you may not be. I’m not sure which is harder. They both have positives and negatives; and I should know. This year I am alone for V Day. We are in a therapeutic separation, and it is his week to have the kids.
I am in a much better place this year due to a lot of work on my inner self. However, I still had a difficult moment tonight. In my email box was the weekly update from the Church News. There was an article link with the headline: “‘The Sunshine of My Life’: 15 of the Sweetest Quotes from President Nelson, Apostles about their Wives.” And like a rookie, I clicked on it.
They were definitely the sweetest quotes. But digesting sentiments like: “…absolutely nothing compares with the companionship between a husband and wife,” “she truly is the sunshine of my life,” “I am honored to be her husband,” “marrying her was the best decision I ever made,” “I thank her for the woman she is, for the lessons she has taught me, and the love we share.” Ouch. Double ouch. I could not help but think what beautiful words these were. I could not help but know that I don’t have that. I thought I did. But I don’t. I was able to feel my emotions, though, and then pick myself back up and stop feeling sorry for myself. That I could not have done a year ago.
I’ve learned a lot in the past 2 1/2 years. So here, in no particular order, are my tips to getting through a holiday like Valentine’s Day:
- Set your intention. What do you want this holiday to be like? Since I am alone, I decided I was going to be MY valentine. I decided it was going to be a great day. Sure, there are moments, but my intention was to be happy. I was going to buy myself a gift that I’ve really wanted, watch whatever I want on Netflix, and show love to myself. If you are still with your spouse, try not to set a huge expectation for what you think the day should be like. Let him know what you want. Do you want to go out to eat? Do you want flowers? Have clarity with yourself and then be specific with them. If you don’t want to celebrate it at all, state that without there being punishment. Don’t let it be a guessing game. This does both of you a world of good.
- Beware of pain shopping. This is a tricky one. It’s easy to start thinking about what gifts they may have given each other. How they celebrated the holiday. How dumb I was to not know what was going on. To look at pictures from that time. To go back to emails they sent each other. Do everything you can to stop yourself. This is a dark, deep, pointless rabbit hole to fall into. Where the only result is you being down on how you are not enough. Don’t give their relationship any of your precious time or energy. It doesn’t deserve that. Don’t romanticize what they had, and definitely don’t compare yourself to it. I like to call myself out on it. “HEY! What are you doing? Are you pain shopping here? And what’s going to happen when you do that?” By this time I can answer that question. Nothing good.
- Use your tools. Phone a friend — hopefully you have that one person in your life you can all and vent to. Or ask them to take five minutes to tell you how wonderful you are. Don’t do this alone. Purge write: get it all out on a piece of paper and then burn it. Journal it. Dance to loud music. There are many tools you can use to help you through rough moments.
- Take some time to work on yourself. Right now I am going though Dr. Margaret Paul’s Inner Bonding workshop online. It is majorly awesome and I’ve progressed leaps and bounds on it. I feel much more centered after taking fifteen minutes on it.
- Do something for yourself. Get a massage. Get a pedicure. Order your favorite dinner. Try something new. Watch chick flicks with no apology! Love, honor, and take care of yourself!
- Do your gratitudes. Write down five things in your journal you are grateful for. No matter what bad things are happening in your life, Oprah was right. Gratitude makes a difference. It doesn’t take long for me to realize I may have hard things in my life, but I still have wonderful things.
- Celebrate your victories! I am getting so much better at recognize my successes. I am proud of myself for being positive today. For taking care of myself after going years with no connection to my self. For being brave. For exercising without giving into excuses. Noticing that I stopped myself from feeling sorry for myself in a loving way.
- Get in touch with God. Sit quietly and talk to him. Thank him for the gifts you have. Listen to a conference talk.
- Beware of feeling sorry for yourself. Listen friend, you have every reason to feel sorry for yourself. I acknowledge it and have no desire to minimize the hell you have been through. But I do know that staying in the victim mode is deadly. It will do nothing for you. My first year -oh!- I just wrapped sorrow like a blanket around myself. Acknowledge your feelings and then feel your strengths. Look at how much you’ve progressed. Its baby steps in the beginning. But baby steps take courage and strength. Use these tips and ones you’ve discovered of your own to snap yourself out of it. Perfect example: This morning I said my morning prayers and burst into tears. All I could think of was the fact I would not be getting flowers today and I really wanted them. So I let myself cry to the Lord. But I also told myself I was going to grieve for ten minutes and then I was going to accept it and move forward. I did just that. I still am having moments, but I am working through them. I am about to go to a friend’s house and spend some time with her. I will listened to two conference talks today, and I am going to listen to some awesome music on the way over to her house. TAKING CARE OF MYSELF!!! xoxo đŸ™‚
- Lift someone else up. Look around. You aren’t the only one struggling today. Did someone lose a child, a job, or is just feeling a little lost? Focusing on someone else can take the spotlight off your own troubles.
At the end of the day, it’s just another day. Try not to give it too much meaning and power. Take it as an opportunity to fall more in love with yourself. You are worth it, and you are going to be just fine. I promise.
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