The Absolute Loneliness of Your Spouse’s Repentance Process for Adultery

It is an absolute positive if your spouse chooses to repent and clean up their life. I remember on the night my husband was excommunicated (man, it’s still hard to type that), I kneeled on my son’s bedroom floor sorting his clothing he had grown out of. That week I did everything I could to stay busy, because pondering the carnage of the train wreck my life had become for too long would send me running back to the toilet to vomit. In my innocence and naivety, I pictured his repentance process like an open-and-shut case: He would be excommunicated, he was sorry so we would put our marriage back together, at the one-year mark he would be rebaptized, at the two-year mark he would have his blessings restored. Bingo, list checked and completed. I really thought it would be that simple. I thought of it more as a waiting game than anything else. And then I guess I expected we would be happy and move forward. Oh man, I had no idea. No idea at all what I was in for. There is a reason why this sin is considered second to murder in its seriousness. The ripple effects of their actions are massive and far-reaching. And most of us have absolutely no comprehension of what we are in for. Add on to that inept therapy and well-meaning but untrained Bishops, and you have a hard and serious road to travel. I want to share with you the things I learned the hard way so you can armor yourself. Because again, I had no one.

Your spouse will very likely be suffering the effects of withdrawals from the addiction of his affair (yes, it is an addiction. Future post in the works). It is as intense as someone going cold turkey in rehab. For more info, there are some amazing books out there like “Not Just Friends,” by Shirley Glass. If you haven’t yet, the more information you can have about this process, the better you will be able to resist taking things personally. Consider also the fact that they haven’t had the spirit with them for an extended period of time. They also are probably feeling strong emotions (just like you) of guilt, shame, and remorse. This super-exciting combo often combusts into that familiar stand-by: anger.

I’m not making a judgement here, I’m just helping you understand what you are up against and what you may be headed into. There is about an 85% chance your spouse is going to be a huge jerk. I would use other words (and have), but I have a goal to try to keep it clean here, kids. Your expectation might be a humbled, remorseful, tearful person — and rightfully so, but research and experience will show that’s not likely. Your mileage may very on how long that lasts, but I had a husband who resisted therapy (he could do it on his own), was still working with her on a daily basis (and I still had no idea), and it was a long-term affair. So I got the worst end of the spectrum.

Combine this with your own betrayal trauma (and likely onset of PTSD), and you’re looking at a really, really, really rough time. I think back to my experience at the beginning and feel some pretty strong emotions. I couldn’t eat, sleep, and I was absolutely bereft.

This is where we talk about the loneliness.

The repentance process is wonderful. And if you have a situation where most people don’t know what has happened and the necessary confidentiality is in effect, you are very likely feeling alone.

It was then that I felt the contrast of those who experience severe adversity or tragedy with the love and support of those around them. What I wouldn’t have given for the casserole delivered as I struggled with going through the basic motions of daily survival. It was all I could do to make it through the day, only then to be faced with the dread of a long, lonely, sleepless night. How I longed for someone to embrace me with love. To sit by my side as I wept. Instead, I would show up at church, which for me was incredibly painful and hard, but as far as anyone else knew, just another Sunday. I had many tell me how great I looked (I had lost 20 pounds in about six weeks) and asked for my secrets. “Grief, pain, and deep sorrow,” I wanted to answer. But instead I mumbled something about “stress and travel.” No one meant any harm, and I wasn’t offended by any of it, but how I wanted to receive comfort in my affliction. It was massively painful.

I felt like I was living a lie. We looked like the perfect little LDS family. House, pool, two cars, three great kids. Ugh, I cringe at it all. But we were not. And I hated what I perceived to be hypocrisy.

Others saw my five-mile-stare and haunted eyes and asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t answer and keep confidentiality and protect my kids. I made stuff up. I had been sick. It was just a stressful time. Pretending like someone had called me from the other side of the foyer.

Some of you may suggest that it wasn’t fair for me to be expected to keep it quiet. I don’t know. Perhaps you are correct. But all I knew was that I couldn’t even comprehend the thought of my kids bearing even a small amount of the burden I was carrying. I would not wish that on any human being.

And for clarity, no one expected or asked me to “keep quiet.” I made a choice. I believed that part of the beauty of repentance is having the hope that at some point you can truly be clean, that it can really be behind you. I don’t know if that was the right choice. But I am clear in the knowledge that I did the best I could at the time. And if you haven’t been in those shoes, it’s awfully hard to know what you would do.

But again, the truth in this matter, that I didn’t see coming and never imagined, is this particular cost with this sin. And that is loneliness. Sheer, massive, heart-wrenching loneliness. Feeling like you don’t have a voice. You want to hear something crazy? I actually used to be a bit jealous of those dealing with husbands addicted to porn. Because, I reasoned, at least they had support groups and church education and books and articles to read. I know, I know. It’s never that easy.

I will tell you now again emphatically, you must develop good self-care skills, and you must put a support team together. It’s an absolute requirement in order for you to get through this time in your life. I am putting together a post on support.

And again, that’s why I have created this blog. I don’t know if anyone is out there, but I want you to know that I am. I want you to know that there are others, and we can be there for each other. I believe it is what God hopes for. I believe it is one more reason why such amazing advances in technology have come about in the last few years. To give us a way to support and minister to each other. We need each other.