I began this journey with pretty much no resources. Church leadership who meant well but didn’t know how to offer support and met with us individually or together almost never. Mostly terrible experiences with LDS therapy, and thankfully God ended up putting someone in my path who was not of my faith but was aware of it and supported my healing in line with it. So, for the past two and half years since D-day, I’ve collected a lot of books, sites, and programs. Some essential, some meh. Obviously, what works for me may not work for you. But here is a great place to start. Let me know if I can assist you in any way with finding resources. Remember, God has given you certain strengths that will support you during this time. For me, I love to read and research. I always thought it was a weird, nerdy thing I had, but now I truly believe it’s a part of me for a reason.
I also want to caution you to be careful when evaluating if a source is valuable for your support. There are some message board sites out there I am not a fan of. They didn’t support healing for me. It found it to be a place where the feeling was mostly bitterness. Again, your journey is different than mine, but keep it in mind.
Books/Kindle
The essential classic — “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. Want to know how a good person could be involved in infidelity? Interested in the psychology of it and also the best paths to recovery? Find it here.
Surviving an Affair along with His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Willard F Harley, Jr.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel SF Heller — Great information on your attachment style and how it affects your views of love.
Facing Love Addiction and Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody — Incredibly important resources for you and your spouse. You are most likely codependent with your spouse, and also suffering from love addiction, especially depending on your attachment style. Your spouse is DEFINITELY experiencing both if they are in an affair. I know that buying a book about love addiction seems pretty silly – I certainly felt that way – but there’s some eye-opening truths in here.
5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman — an oldie but very much a goodie
Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H Wallace Goddard — LDS themes in talking about marriage. Has an excellent chapter on how people fall into the trap of emotional and physical affairs.
For All Eternity — Dr. John L. Lund — thoughts on marriage as well as chapters on forgiveness when it comes to the deepest hurts.
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn — Even if you stay with your spouse, this book is a nice slap across the face to help you gain perspective and get your self-esteem back. Teaches the difference between Genuine Remorse and Genuine Naugahyde Imitation Remorse. Heads up: profanity
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J McDonald — if your spouse is willing to read about what successful rebuilders do, this is an excellent place to start. Mine wasn’t, but I hear these specimens are out there.
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman — teaches the essential understanding of the Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse. Oh boy, we had all four.
The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis — Excellent advice on what approaches to take when you want to save your marriage or want to make sure you’ve done everything you can before you divorce. This doesn’t seem to come in kindle form, but I recommend buying it anyway. I have the paperback. Get this book. She also has a book called Healing From Infidelity.
Anything by Brené Brown
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Sosny — Goes along with the philosophy that goes contrary to our instincts. For a time actions are more important than words.
Hold Me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson — Follows the Emotionally Focused Therapy philosophy.
Have a New Man by Friday by Kevin Lehman — if you can find it. It’s a good book to understand men.
Sites
Heal from the Affair — the program and coach who has provided me with the greatest specialized healing. I have completed the 6 week course, attended Broken Open, and received coaching. All worthwhile and accelerated my healing tremendously.
Programs
Dr. Margaret Paul’s Inner Bonding program was huge for me. A complete game changer and perception changer for me. I really began to thrive after this. As always, I don’t know one can heal a relationship before they heal themselves. Work on yourself! It is vital and you deserve it.
Alison Armstrong’s programs are basically lightbulbs after lightbulbs. She has dedicated her life to studying men and women and their inherent differences in order to promote thriving relationships. I can’t say enough about her work. I’ve developed some great relationships with men since completing her programs. These programs include understanding the differences between men and women, but also understanding yourself; your needs vs. expectations, what you really want in a relationship, how to fill your tanks and take care of yourself. She will teach you how to tame your inner “ideal woman” who judges you and others and makes life miserable. It is a financial investment, but in my opinion is worth EVERY penny.
Gay and Katie Hendricks have many programs supporting you in learning how to love yourself and have that be the foundation of successful relationships. Really good stuff from one of the masters.
He’s a little bit cheesy, but Mort Fertel has some great ideas. You can sign up for a free 7-day email list to try him out. One of his basic tenets is how bad traditional therapy can be (I agree) and how you need to stop and create some peace and good times before you can “talk” about the marriage. One of this beliefs that resonated with me is that “you can’t talk your way out of something you behaved yourself into.”
Bloom for Women — Offers support and courses for women suffering from betrayal trauma, looping thoughts, depression, and all the other things we deal with when being hit by infidelity. Supports women who are dealing with betrayal trauma due to porn addiction or infidelity.
YouTube/Instagram
Find me @worth_of_my_soul on instagram
Alan Robarge on youtube
Joe Beam on youtube — any of his videos on “limerence” are fantastic information
@ashlynnandcoby — Ashlynn Mitchell on instagram
@ashleyklemieux Ashley Lemieux on instagram
1 Comment
I just want to acknowledge your total and complete courageous awesomeness in creating this resource for women in search of healing from betrayal.
As part of your recovery team, it was a privilege to watch your transformation.
This service is going to take you to the next level and bring even greater clarity as to why the affair happened. The answer, I’m quite certain, is so that you could help others – which, obviously, is evidenced here. -Paul