A few weeks ago my husband and I ended our therapeutic separation and came back together. Ay yi yi. I am a still somewhat of a mess, but after all this work, I have learned to accept that and be okay with it!
I have had therapy/coaching since then, and my intention has been to work on my mindset. At the beginning of this separation, I was a big, fat, hot, co-dependent mess. I was almost throwing up thinking about the separation. I was anxious and depressed. The one thing my coach promised with absolute surety that I would get out of the separation was clarity. And that I truly have.
I have a terrible history of not being able to feel happy or hopeful unless other things in my life were the way I needed/wanted them to be. Friendships, job, and definitely, my marriage. When I found out about the affair I went through an embarrassing period of wanting to prove to him that I was worth staying with. I wanted to prove what a great package I was. I’ve done some great work on this through coaching, books by Pia Mellody (Facing Co-Dependence and Facing Love Addiction), Dr. Margaret Paul’s Inner Bonding work, and Alison Armstrong’s teachings on how to fill my own tanks and working on my own noble qualities. Guys, I am almost a totally different person. For the better. And I did it on my own. Empowerment, baby.
Anyway.
As frightened and frustrated as I was going into the separation January 17th, I kept getting the clear feeling in my prayers that I needed to do it. Why, I thought, would God think this was a good idea? Isn’t this the opposite of advice we are usually given? The loneliness and separation were so intimidating. Now that it ended on April 17th (90 days) I truly can understand what the purpose was.
The purpose, my dear friends, was me.
It was me.
I received a level of empowerment and clarity regarding myself that I don’t know if I could have received otherwise. I developed a level of self-love and acceptance that I don’t think I’ve ever felt in my life. But most importantly, I developed the deep knowledge that I would be okay no matter what happened with my relationship. The deepest fear most of us have was answered.
I will be okay.
It also gave me the ability to reconnect with my kids. One of the side effects of trauma is withdrawal. Withdrawal from life, your family, friends. You focus only on survival and making it through the day. You don’t have much energy left for anything else. I was able to spend quality time with my kids individually and all together with no tension, no weight, no distractions. It really did wonders for our relationships. I felt like I was able to more easily be closer to the mother I would like to be.
I was able to break the remaining co-dependence I have had. The need to find safety and validation no longer rested on someone else. I really felt the knowledge at my core that I can be healthy and happy no matter what.
You can have this, too. You are going to be okay no matter what. One of my new habits is to begin each day with prayer, and a quiet moment where I tell myself that I am happy, I am safe, and I will be okay no matter what. It doesn’t take very long for your brain to rewire and believe this. As you repeatedly tell your soul and the universe this new truth, you will feel a shift within you. And that is just another moment of empowerment.
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