I posted an image today with the following words:
“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not on the branch but on it’s own wings. Always believe in yourself.”
I spent a lot of time trying to find any resource, any help that could help me deal with the immense, crushing, soul-killing pain that came with the revelation of my husband’s betrayal. I was basically in an emotional fetal position. It was so incredibly painful. I had been through adversity and challenges in my life that brought me to my knees, but never anything like this. There is a reason it is called Betrayal Trauma. It is absolute trauma, for sure.
I tried to find any way to take the edge off the constant pain. I am really thankful I don’t drink. As someone with alcoholism in my family I shudder to think what that would have resulted in.
I chased my husband around emotionally and physically, pleading for reassurances and love. I needed him to make me feel better. I needed him to tell me I was enough. I needed him to want me again and to feel like my marriage would be okay. I wanted to please him, so that he would give me what I needed. I agreed to things in order to make him happy, hoping he would want to make me happy in return. With this I betrayed myself, and I felt worse. I needed this to feel safe. I needed this to define my worth.
Boundaries was a concept I was not familiar with yet. Connecting with myself, knowing my own needs — foreign ideas. I knew I needed safety, but I had all the wrong ideas on how to find it.
This is the root of my instagram post. The root of my words here today. I did some productive work on myself and on my marriage. I did progress. I did find good resources. But there was a huge key missing. And because of that, I always had an agenda in my desperate quest to find safety and healing and love.
That agenda was to get my healing, validation, and power from someone or something else.
Oh, my friends. You cannot fully heal until you understand this important truth. Please read the sentence in my next paragraph carefully. Paste it in your notes on your phone. Put it on your mirror. Whatever it takes for it to sink in.
Your healing cannot depend on anything else but you. It cannot depend on if your marriage makes it. I cannot depend on if your husband loves you or wants you. It cannot depend on if your spouse ends their affair or what their feeling are for the “other person.” It cannot depend on if you are enough for someone else. It cannot depend on whether you can trust your spouse. Putting your worth in anyone or anything else is disempowering. Needing validation or love in order to determine how you feel about yourself causes you to shrink, to build resentment for your partner and also for yourself. Your healing cannot depend on anything or anyone else but you.
My hope is that it doesn’t take you as long to understand this truth as it did me. Once I stepped in my own power and fully understood what it meant to own my healing, I began to progress rapidly. It had a ripple effect on everything I did in my life. I began to become the person I always hoped I could be.
It took a daily ritual of saying outloud, “I am going to be okay no matter what. My future is mine, and it is going to be happy. My healing does not depend on anyone else but me. And I am going to be just fine.“
I joined with God in the process. I believed he would be by my side in this process, strengthening me, guiding me, cheering me on. I had daily prayer where I asked for his help, his hand in my life, and his angels to strengthen me, and teach me. It took a lot of courage for me to say to him, “What do you want to teach me today?”
When I first found out about my husband’s betrayal, I got a blessing. I desperately hoped to receive an answer to what was going to happen to me. I hoped to hear whether my marriage would make it. I did not. Instead, I heard I know exactly what is going to happen in your life. I know what will happen with your marriage. But I cannot tell you because in order for you to be the person you need to be to do the work I need you to do, you have to go by faith. This faith and inspiration will refine you to be the person you are foreordained to be.
Those are powerful words. Was I disappointed? Yes, a bit. But, I also felt extreme peace and power when I heard it as well. I knew it was true. Three years later, I can feel it happening and see it in my own life.
I believe God wants us to be empowered. I believe he wants us to own our life and with His help, heal and recover. At the end of the day, we know he has told us over and over again that he wants us to have joy. He wants us to be happy. What a concept — to find happiness when dealing with trauma. That is a separate post I will work on. But I want you to hang on to that thought.
If you can find your own mantra every day and say it with conviction, you will feel that shift within you. I went from being absolutely weak and powerless to having moments that were hard and heartbreaking but knowing deep inside — really knowing — that even though this was absolutely awful, I would be okay.
You will have more hard times in life. There is a good chance you will face heartbreak and severe adversity in different forms in your future. Knowing this truth, this eternal perspective that no matter what you will be okay, is the absolute key to weathering these backbreaking storms. To finding peace when your life changes due to someone else’s choices or events that are out of your control.
Empowerment is having control over your life and future. Over your happiness.
Don’t hand it over to anyone else.
I will tell you something else; your spouse cheated because they did not have this truth. Their happiness, validation, and fulfillment depended on someone else filling them up. This is why they made the decision to solve their problems in this way. Cheating is disempowering as well. Don’t fall for the lies of it being glamorous, or it not being in someone’s nature to be monogamous. When you have power over your happiness as well as your future, you know how to meet your own needs and find fulfillment in powerful, healthy ways.
I hope this helps right now. Believe it. When you feel triggered and your fear is searching for safety, stop it in its tracks with your mantra. You can do this. If I can help you in some way, I will. But remember, this is your life.
No Comments