There was this moment when my husband said something so crazy, so bizarre, so nonsensical that I was absolutely sure in that moment that aliens had stolen him and replaced his soul with someone different. Someone that looked just like him, but was clearly insane.
Come to think of it, it was more than one moment. Way more.
And which moment to choose from? When he said that he was sure I had broken my covenants, too (you know, from neglect or not enough sex or something), or not to forget that the other woman still really liked me and we were good friends (yes, she had been my friend). And she really is a good person. No wait — here’s a good one: when he told me I was the one who needed to do more work on myself than he did; after all, he only had to stop having an affair and I had soooo much work to do to myself to be a good wife. Oh, this is just the tip of the iceberg of goodies. Three years ago, it destroyed me. Now — eh, I consider the source and take it with a boulder of salt.
Looking back on this traumatic part of the process, I can testify to you with a surety that the “most abominable of all sins save it be the shedding of blood or denying the Holy Ghost” (Alma 39: 3-5) is truly that due to the effect it has on a person’s spirit. I am not being mean-spirited, snarky, or judgmental as I say these next few sentences. When you hear someone say, “It’s like they are a different person…”
… it’s because they are.
Really.
In order to live this double life, in order to continue to live in a way that goes against everything they’ve ever believed in, they have had to completely change their value systems, their thought patterns, their deepest beliefs in order to live with themselves.
Breaking your temple covenants, betraying your marriage covenant, living your life as a lie, hurting yourself and your family — it causes the Spirit to withdraw. Once the Spirit withdraws, Satan takes more and more hold in your life. He tells you lies. Lies to help you to continue on a destructive path and you believe them because how else can you get up each day? He feeds your fears. He tells you your life is ruined anyway, so why stop now? The longer you go without the Spirit, the deeper you descend into this sin, and the more you are changed. The more you are capable of doing things you never dreamed you could do. You become unrecognizable. This is one reason why we as the betrayed spouses are so easily snowed at the beginning during trickle truth time. We honestly cannot even comprehend who this person is standing in front of us and how deftly they are able to lie. We are still innocent and desperate to believe that they are ready to be honest and reconcile. But after extended lengths of time making habits and patterns of lies and manipulation in order to get their needs met and keep from getting caught, it’s not so easy for them to do.
So while at the beginning your spouse may have been sure it was an “accident” or they “never intended for this to happen,” the reality is that the longer that one commits this sin the more they will find themselves crossing lines and doing things they never imagined they were ever capable of. It’s that slippery slope.
Another thing you must understand is that an affair is an addiction. This has been well documented in articles and in books such as “Not Just Friends,” by Dr. Shirley Glass. Affairs are relationships that stay in the beginning stages of love and do not leave since they never see the light of day like a normal relationship does. Each meeting, glance, flirt, is a dopamine hit. The brain becomes addicted to this and will do anything to keep it from ending. Studies show that it lights up the same areas of the brain as heroin.
So here they are, sure their life is over due to their infidelity, and the only place they feel good about themselves is with their partner. It is the only place they do not have to look in the mirror at what they have done. It is the only person who does not expect them to be honest and appreciates the mirroring back of their desperate need to be seen as a good person.
Now, here’s where the story of the affair fits in.
Very few people feel like they are the type of person to have an affair. The average member of our faith plans to keep their covenants, vows, and be a person of integrity. So how do they reconcile their choices with their values?
My husband’s story: He is not the kind of person to have an affair. Only bad people do that. He is not a “bad” person. Therefore, he must be the exception. And what makes him the exception?
Me.
Yep, me (not uncommon by the way, as Dr. Glass and others explain. Sorry. This is the typical story.) His exact words to me were “If you would have been the wife you should have been, I would not have done this.” My husband was angry at himself for his choices. Angry that he was stuck with me instead of the person he was obviously much better suited for (cue the roll-eyes emoji). The longer he remained in the affair, the longer he made these choices, the more different he became from other LDS men he knew, the more angry he became. And as is typical for these situations, his story became more deep. He began looking for all the ways I was making him unhappy. Every negative thing about me was magnified a thousand times. I remember during this time not understanding why he was so angry when he came home. He was so angry at everything I did. There was no way I could win. Compared to how wonderful and perfect she was in his eyes, I was a disappointment at best. It seemed like he needed to justify his anger with me.
Every affair partner has a story. The other person understands them better. Their spouse doesn’t have time for them. Their husband or wife doesn’t meet their emotional and/or sexual needs. There are so many versions. There can be nuggets of truth in these stories that need to be addressed if reconciliation is on the table. But there also has to be the realization that these truths have been distorted and exaggerated in order to justify a double life.
As the betrayed spouse, one of your jobs is (when you are ready) to find those truths. But you must do it without allowing your spouse’s crazy period to allow their crazy truths to become yours. Both of you need to own your mistakes and behaviors. Your spouse needs to understand why they were susceptible to infidelity. Was it a lack of emotional boundaries? Was it a self-esteem issue where they needed someone else to “complete” them?
If they choose to repent, to engage in therapy to figure out why they cheated, then slowly the person you once you knew will re-emerge. But make sure you are in therapy and have support as well. Because Pod Person Time is painful. Have a person in your life that can help you to see the crazy from reality, and who can support you and build you up. They can also monitor to make sure there is no abuse or extreme situations going on.
This too shall pass, I promise. It may not feel like it at the time, but it will.
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