How to Take Care of Yourself When You Have A Big Setback or Just a Plain Old Really Bad Day

Last night was a really really bad night. What made it more difficult is that I’ve had two GREAT weeks, which perhaps gave me a false sense of security. Weeks where I felt happy all through my being, was engaged with a lot of positive self-talk, busy and productive days, and I felt that light at the end of the tunnel. And this was bad. So bad it just gutted me.

Right now, I am in a therapeutic separation from my husband. It is not an in-house separation. We have an agreement set up under our therapist’s guidance. We are supposed to have minimal contact and phone calls only in urgent situations. We have had to have contact through text twice in the last two weeks due to situations affecting our kids. He has not liked how I handled it either time. And I am really sensitive to that and still have difficulty with criticism from him. I don’t like the feeling of being “in trouble” (this also goes back to my childhood, by the way, as most of our issues do). Last night he felt like I shared some news with my son in a “big talk” that we should have told him together. I tried to explain that I didn’t do that, I only made a comment. He texted on and on about how in the future he would appreciate the courtesy of me including him, etc. etc. And I felt like no matter what I said in my texts, he would not believe me or give me the benefit of the doubt. One thing my husband is working on in therapy is his lack of empathy and I really felt its absence last night. I was so frustrated that I called him. Of course in the light of day, I realize I should not have done that. But there is something still in me, I think, that wants to prove that I am not trying to be unkind. Prove that I am doing what I can to handle it correctly. Am I looking for some sort of validation from him? I’m not sure. But it really hurt, and as much as I am working on dealing with my feelings on my own, I am not there yet. Our conversation didn’t go well. And I was left afterward in my bathroom sobbing my heart out for a long time. I felt the overwhelming despair that I am in such a deep hole and this will never be over. I haven’t had a moment like that in a long time, and it was rough. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. Right now, I do not want to go back to him. I don’t want to be with him. Thankfully, I have until the middle of April to figure out what I want.

I am giving you this background because I want you to learn faster than I did how to take care of yourself in these heartbreakingly hard moments. Because this did break my heart. I’m into this process 2 and 1/2 years, so I’ve had some epic fails and finally some progressive wins. You will have setbacks. And man, they can be painful as they will trigger all old wounds you have and flay them open with a vengeance. This is where you have the opportunity to love yourself and take care of yourself. They’re not just memes and bumper sticker phrases. They are real tools to heal and move forward. Here is what I’ve got so far:

1. Get out of bed and/or the fetal position. Count to five, do what you have to do. But don’t stay there. I know you want to. I know you want to stay there until somehow the day comes where it’s all magically better. I’m afraid there’s no magic. Bed for anything other than healthy activities like sleeping is a full-on danger zone.
2. Talk to yourself. Really. I tell myself, I am going to love myself and take care of myself today. I am eating because I am worth it and I am taking care of myself. DO NOT allow your negative trains of thought to keep going. I once had an aunt who’s husband left her. I stayed with her for a few weeks during a particularly hard time. I would hear her stop what she was doing and say out loud: “NO DESPAIR!” It was her personal stop sign for her thoughts. All the things that can go wrong is not a good road to follow. Talk about the things that can go right. Use whatever mantras are working for you lately. They could be something like: I will be just fine! I am strong! I choose to be happy today! I will kick this thing’s butt! The future is mine and I say what it looks like! This does not define me!” If all else fails, head to pinterest and find some motivational memes there. There’s some good ones for sure.
3. Take a shower. Eat. Show your body and heart that you will take care of yourself and you are worth it. And by eating, I don’t mean binging on something or eating emotionally. I mean something nurturing. Take that shower. Brush your hair. Put your make-up on. It makes a difference.
4. Go for a walk. This is a huge one for me. I live near the ocean, and walking by it’s vastness soothes my soul and helps me to feel God. Moving my body is a huge help.
5. Use some tools. I will be posting about this soon. But off the top of my head I would say purge writing, dancing to loud music, calling someone you can vent to, journaling.
6. Work on yourself and keep busy. Make a list of things you can do, even if it’s cleaning out your dresser drawers. Work on yourself by listening to a podcast, a General Conference talk, reading an empowering book or listening to it while you go about your day. Work on a program (you can find more of these in my upcoming resource section) that will assist in loving yourself, learning more about women and men, ending co-dependency, etc.
7. Feel your sadness, but be careful not to stray into feeling sorry for yourself/being a victim. Feeling sadness, acknowledging it, and working through it is important. It doesn’t do to shove things down as it will always come back later. Feeling sorry for yourself is unhealthy. It will begin to distort what you are going through and keep you from seeing things clearly. It makes it impossible to move forward. It is incredibly disempowering. It will enable your fears and trauma to own you and your life and future instead of it being the opposite. I literally tell myself out loud: “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are a strong woman who is going to come out of this a smarter, stronger woman.” And I believe it.
8. Remind yourself of your triumphs and victories. No win is too small. I can look back at where I was a year or even a month ago and see how far I’ve come. I realize that this trauma has given me the opportunity to heal myself in so many ways and to wake up and take control of my life. I am almost a completely different person than I was on D-day, and it is deeply meaningful to me.
9. Remind yourself this is only an old wound. Everyone has one or more unhealed limiting beliefs that come up during trauma and hard moments. Mine is abandonment, and that I don’t matter. I’ve been doing this long enough that I have begun to have a-ha moments in the middle of my pain and realize that this has triggered by deepest wounds. I am able practice reminding myself how I do matter and how I will never abandon myself and neither will God.
10. Pray and read your scriptures. Yes, I know, the old Sunday School answers. But I pray even when I don’t feel like it and when I am mad Heavenly Father. In the scriptures you can find so many men and women who truly suffered. Who had broken hearts. We have prophets in the Latter-Days beginning with Joseph Smith who knew hardcore suffering. The Lord didn’t make it all better in a few easy moments. Some things could not be made better in this lifetime. And Christ himself did not enjoy an easy or fair life. What is God telling us in these examples? Much I have pondered over this time.

Where are you in your process? What tools have you learned to take care of yourself when you encounter a heartbreaking process. Share with us, as this journey is definitely not for sissies.