Even thought it has been three and a half years since the disclosure of the affair, the path to forgiveness is a work in progress. I have spent much time on my knees, and hours doing research in a quest to understand how this happened to me and how to process it with the hope of complete forgiveness. Often I have to really work to separate my feelings and emotions from this process. As you probably know by now, any trigger seems to amplify the emotions associated with it. I have written about this process before and thought I would touch base with it again.
Forgiveness for me has been broken into a few different paths:
- Forgiveness for his affair and the magnitude of it
- Forgiveness for church leaders who did not provide support to either of us
- Forgiveness for my husband’s affair partner who was a former close friend of mine and her individual deception and betrayal.
- Forgiveness for her Bishop who gave her the lightest possible consequence.
- Forgiveness for the way my husband handled the aftermath
- Forgiveness for myself: Those awful feelings that I should have known, I should have seen, I should have done something different, I shouldn’t have been so trusting, I should have been a better wife, etc.
- Forgiveness for myself for feeling like I was terrible at forgiving and healing and should have been able to do it better.
It has been so much more complicated than I thought it would be. So many more layers. Sometimes when I think I am still such a broken mess I remember what it was like in the beginning and realize what a tremendously long way I have come, and mostly on my own.
Today I ran across an article on forgiveness by an LDS therapist and thought it was worthy of sharing. I especially appreciated the quote by President Holland, it was such a comfort to my heart.
Did you find anything in the article that worked for you? How are you handling this process?
Here is the article:
“In my experience working with marriages rocked by a partner’s adultery, I see patterns. Emotions, expectations, questions, and struggles that show up time after time. The most frequent pattern among Latter-day Saint couples in this circumstance involves a cheating spouse who confesses to priesthood authority, undergoes a disciplinary council, “faces the music” so to speak, and goes through (or is going through) the steps to have their blessings restored to them. In case after case, they feel they’ve done the work to be forgiven and can’t understand why their partner can’t “just let it go.” The Lord has forgiven me, they reason, so why can’t my spouse?” — Read the rest of the article “If Your Spouse Cheats and Repents Are You Obligated to Forgive?” here
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