This Week: Divorce thoughts, the danger of fear, and how a good Bishop is priceless

Friends, I have to apologize.

I took a big break here from posting. And my only defense is heartache. A pattern of mine is withdrawing when things are hard. And it’s been hard. So I have been neglecting my little community, and I am sorry and ready to get back in.

I had noticed the past couple of months that my husband was distancing himself from me. He doesn’t say I love you, doesn’t want to touch me besides holding my hand. He was avoiding being alone with me, and our dates consisted basically of going to the movies (you know, activities where you don’t have to talk). So I asked him about it.

At first he told me he didn’t know what I was talking about. He wasn’t sure why I was feeling that way. I accepted that because it’s easy for me to make up stories in my head and to overanalyze conversations and moments. I am trying not to make assumptions and learning how to ask instead.

I asked a couple more times and then finally, last Saturday he told me he felt like we needed to divorce (he will use “we” so he isn’t the bad guy). He said “we” weren’t happy and “we” had tried everything. He said he thought it was better to divorce than to show our kids an unhappy marriage. I told him to please not speak for me and that I believe it is better to show our kids two people who are doing the best they can to make things right and create a happy marriage.

What do I do? What does a person do in this situation? I pray all the time and tell God, “I don’t know what to do.” Do I keep trying? Do I let my hurt and anger drive the car or do my best to forgive and try again? Do I keep battling that deep, deep fear of rejection and reach out?

I don’t know what’s right. I am sure God can see everything, but I definitely can’t. Sometimes I don’t want to try. I feel too weary, too heartbroken, too raw from not being enough. But then I think about how my 24th wedding anniversary is May, and we have three kids and so much shared history and I cannot imagine us parting ways. How did this happen?

When I knelt at the altar to be married, I never pictured being in this position. Never. This is the kind of thing that happens to other people. And does being in this position say anything about me? About us?

I met with my Bishop last night for counsel. This is my third Bishop since this situation began. I haven’t had the best of luck when it comes to support.

Bishop #1: Someone I loved, grew up with, and knew for a big chunk of my life. We were friends as couples. His point of view seemed to be that my husband was a really good guy and this was just a big mistake and once the repentance process was finished all would be well. Oh boy. Most bishops don’t know about the addictive nature of affairs. The ways it changes someone and rewires their brain and how they want to do good but are also wanting that next hit of dopamine as well. This Bishop was more of a “call me if you need me” kind of approach. That was not good. There was no plan with my husband, no follow-up, no accountability. And no support for me unless I specifically asked for it. It was hard, and my husband could not let go of his partner completely and it was awful. Awful.

Boundary change and new Bishop.

Bishop #2: A nice guy with a big heart but not a lot of maturity in these matters. I talked to him twice. He gave me some advice, and told me he would email me an article. He never did. He told me he would send me some scriptures. He didn’t . Once in the hallway he asked me how it was going, I said that we were separated. He made a sad face and then started telling me about how he was going to visit his son in Kentucky and how he got a great price on airline tickets.

Move across country.

Bishop #3: Two years have gone by since D-day. I am doing better but it’s still a daily struggle. It’s a new ward in a new part of the country. I know no one. They don’t know our history except that my husband didn’t take part in our son’s baptism…so, red flag for the new family. I made an appointment with him. I prayed hard first. I was scared and desperate for support and counsel. I did not tell my husband I was meeting with him so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty.

It was great. Perfect. I drove home from my appointment praying to my Father in Heaven with a heart full of gratitude. I told Him that this was exactly what I needed and what I was hoping for. I finally had someone who listened to me. We went over scriptures together, we talked about where I could find support and handle what I was dealing with. I remember this one moment where I tearfully told him that I felt so guilty that I was still struggling with the weight of it. That I wasn’t as healed as I could be or my husband wanted me to be. My Bishop looked right at me and said, “Maybe you are exactly where you need to be. Maybe you are exactly where you are supposed to be.” To be given permission and validation to feel my feelings was so freeing and meant so much to me. To receive compassion and counsel was just something my soul had been yearning for. Something I had yet to receive. I have counseled with him often since then, and it has been incredibly helpful.

I received a great blessing providing me with extra strength and an increased capacity for prayer. And I feel that. Which is good, because right now I live a life where I don’t know what is coming for me. I don’t know what bomb my husband might drop, I don’t know if he might move out, or serve me papers, or make some sort of announcement. I just don’t know. And I can’t live my life with my stomach in knots. So I am doing my best to accept this and be at peace with it so that I can keep myself from shrinking or making rash decisions. My reality is that I just only have so much control right now. I am learning to accept that I don’t know what could be around the corner and to be okay with that.

But I still am determined that my future belongs to me, I still believe that I make myself happy, and I still believe that God sees the things that I don’t; He has a plan for me and it is one of happiness.

I am weary. I have been dealing with hard things for so long. I am sure many of you know that feeling. I used to fight it, think if I said or did the right thing I could change it. But now, I really just try to work on me. That’s all the control I have. I worry for my babies. My daughter is on a mission right now and I can hardly bear the thought of her getting such devastating news far from home. But again, I just can only control so much right now. My focus is on today. What can I do today to take care of myself, support myself, get through the day. Heavenly Father has placed some amazing women in my life who support me and lift me up, and for that I am truly grateful.

Weariness can be tied in with fear. I do believe it is one of the adversary’s greatest tools. When feeling surges of emotion I ask myself where this feeling is from. If it is one from God or the other. That can help to keep me empowered and in check. Beware of fear. It is a liar, and will undo all the valuable work you have done. It will tell you your future is bleak, you are powerless without this person, that you will be alone forever. Fear must be fought constantly.

For those of you dealing with this, or who have dealt with that, I hope we can be a support to each other. I hope we can be a resource and a light in the darkness. It’s a hard, hard road. But we are all trying so hard to have gratitude for the blessings and see the joy. I believe truly we will be stronger, more amazing women for this.