Tonight I feel so lost. I feel so weighed down at all. Tonight feels like a really good night to address those deep dark fears.
One day I feel so positive, so in control of my life and future, like a freaking self-care ninja. I’m feeling spiritual and healed.
And then a week like this week comes. And I feel so weary. I feel lonely. I don’t know how to find anyone who could understand this sort of pain. I feel all the trust issues pushing to center.
Right now we live in a new area. I don’t know anyone, I don’t have any close friends. I take care of my kids but I feel like I don’t have anything for me.
Have you ever scrolled through social media and felt like every woman on there has a clean house and a fulfilling purpose and great eyebrows? Like these women KNOW where they are headed. They have mugs that say #girlboss on them and teens who think they are hilarious and slogans for you about your purpose in life.
Yes, I am totally aware I am projecting onto other people and making assumptions about their lives. I know this very logically during the better times (see paragraph 2). But today, I am keenly aware that my big victory for today is brushing my teeth. It is evening and I am in the same joggers and t-shirt I went to bed in. My husband is out of town, my teen is sealed up in her vampire cave (aka bedroom) and my son is bouncing around on the couch in between playing roblox. Dishes are still in the sink. Pizza was ordered for dinner. I have done nothing productive today. Mom of the year material, people.
I am staring at my bedroom wall filled with a bit of wonder that my life does not look anything like what I thought it would. Or is it what I think it should? I’m not sure. I don’t feel like my strengths and talents gel with anything productive. I like history. I like to travel. I like to learn. None of those things equal side hustle. Aren’t I supposed to have a side hustle right now? Doesn’t everyone? My youngest is 11. It won’t be long before I will have to have some sort of job as my kids move on. I am definitely not glamorous. I have a general sense of style but nothing incredible.
And I am scared. Scared that I won’t ever truly heal. Scared that there will always be something coming around the corner. A shoe to drop. I am scared of being alone, even in a group of people. I am afraid I have made too many mistakes. I am afraid God is disappointed in me. I worry. Have I healed right? Enough? Should I have forgiven completely and moved on the right way by now? Would a better person know how to do it?
I think I’m just tired. I mean really, really weary. My burdens feel so heavy. We are struggling financially. I am always working on my marriage. Healing from what happened. Being far away from family and friends. It just all adds up sometimes. And it would appear tonight is one of those times.
I don’t know if anyone actually reads this or if it’s just some sort of diary. But if anyone does, at least you can know that you aren’t the only one who has times like this. Not at all. Here’s to a better day soon.
7 Comments
Hang in there. You arent alone in feeling this way. My marriage is ending, 5 years after the affair. I gave it my all but it waa never even. No change. It’s taken me a long long time to be ok with it. But some days I too break down and feel that loss of now being alone for probably the rest of my life… and it hurts … all we can do is let it hurt and then move through it to better days… sending you virtual hugs!
I am taking strength from your courage. I still don’t know if my marriage will make it. I am so grateful for other women who are able to survive this heartache and work toward having joy again. Thank you so much for your support!
*Was never enough
I needed this today. You are not alone. I would love to be in touch with you. Your blog has been immensely helpful.
Kelly, it makes my heart so happy if you found something that helped you. I just want us all to be able to reach out to each other, I believe this is issue is so much more common than anyone knows. Thanks for your kind words. I am always here.
It’s been 5yrs since my divorce. And I have powerful days and completely torn apart days. He’s never been remorseful or shown any kind of sorrow. He runs from my pain. And is hollow and numb.
I’m straggling alone.
I’m so sorry. I totally hear this. We yearn for this remorse, this validation for what we have experienced. And I have learned it is not like the movies where that seems to happen. Reality is much different. I hope you can find your own healing for you.