There is a great irony that five years ago I would have told you I really knew my husband and we had a good marriage. I’m not kidding. I groan at the memory, and I have to admit I’m a little embarrassed to type that sentence. One of the consequences of dealing with a crisis like infidelity is that everything you were sure was true is now either wrong or questionable. The things you were sure of are sure no longer. The things you knew you could depend on are dependable no more. Your brain constantly scans for safety like a cell phone on an airplane that was not switched into airplane mode and is constantly searching for a connection. Nothing is true anymore. Anything you thought you could count on is now up in the air.
This includes the past. What was real? The day he asked me to marry him was his excitement real? The times he said he loved me, when was it true and when was it not? Was it ever true? How do you know what to trust now? Where do you go for truth? Can you trust anyone?
Add on to this that you now begin to doubt if you can trust yourself. How could I have not known? How could I have missed the signs that were right in front of my face? What moron would not have figured it out? How could I not have known he was capable of this? Can I now trust my own judgement? The whole world, all my understanding became uncertain. I was lost.
Almost three years since the first D-day, I still am not sure what is normal in a marriage. Do other people have the problem we encounter a certain day? Do other people’s husbands get frustrated in a certain situation like mine does, or struggle with empathy? I hear other people say marriage is hard, but what does that mean in comparison to mine? I have a dear friend I talk to. She is the one I will call and ask if something is normal. I will often ask if she encounters an issue in her marriage that’s similar to one I am dealing with. It is still so surreal to me. So uncertain.
It is a genuine learning curve. In trying to create a new marriage some days feel hopeful and others hopeless. It is hard. In trying to set new boundaries, understandings, and rituals, I don’t want to make a big deal of something if it’s normal. I don’t want to expect unicorns and unrealistic things. But on the other hand, if it isn’t normal, I don’t want to allow something that’s not good. Sometimes I feel like a toddler trying figure out how to walk.
I would say the only thing exception to this new life of uncertainty is my relationship with God. It has deepened. I have felt him sorrow with me and give me inspiration.
Do you encounter the same? How do you manage to figure out what is normal and what is not in a marriage? Do you have good role models or resources? What is your experience?
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