How and Why to do a 180

When we are plunged into the world of limbo, uncertainty, trauma, and fear, everything we thought we knew to be true tends to disappear. The future is hazy and uncertain. It seems to evaporate before our eyes. No longer do we know what our life will look like in six months, a year, ten years. It can be terrifying.

In movies and books, the hero/heroine tends to rise up and do everything “right.” They kick the jerk out, they embark on a new life, plan some sort of ethical revenge, and the jerk begs for them back. Storybook 101.

In real life, however, our incredible pain tends to cause us to do everything wrong. We beg, we plead, we are sure that if we present our case in the most convincing way our spouse will see the error of their ways and love us again. It does not work, and yet we keep doing it again and again, sure that this time it will be different. and if we are female our desire to please rears its ugly head. If we can just be more pleasing, they will want to stay. It is human instinct to take this approach, and yet it tends to give us the opposite of what we want. It actually pushes them away.

We lecture, we remind them of their promises and covenants, the righteous desires they once professed to have. That they SHOULD have. And we might be completely right, but right will not get us what we want. After all, we are dealing with a person who has been able to rationalize and justify what they are doing so far. They will do it again.

So then, if begging, pleading, pleasing, arguing, and turning yourself into a pretzel to make them happy isn’t working, what will?

Obviously, there are no guarantees. But one of the most effective techniques to date is called “the 180.” It was introduced by Michelle Davis Weiner, the author of a book I recommend called “The Divorce Remedy,” and founder of the Divorce Busting philosophy. It has a two-fold purpose. First, to help you to turn around your relationship, but second, and possibly more important, to help you to develop some self-esteem and get a life. This is essential because if the relationship does not work out, you will still become a person who can be happy, healthy, be in control of your life, and have the best results in future relationships without making the same mistakes.

It is not designed to be a game or to be disrespectful to your partner. However, it will help you as the betrayed to move forward in your life, regain dignity, and the possibility of respect from your partner again. It is empowering and honoring for you and what you have been through. It will help you to appear stronger to your wayward spouse and also, to you.

The list is called the 180 because that is exactly what it is and what it encourages you to do. To do and be something different than what you have been. To appear strong, independent, clear, happy, mysterious, focused. It will get you out of the puddle you’ve become (we have all been there) and to stop being the unattractive, weeping, and begging sad sack you’ve been. Forgive me, my intent is not to make you feel bad. It is totally normal to be in that place. I have been for sure, many times. Hell will do that to you. But my goal is also to be honest with you and with myself. It helped me to break out of my codependent patterns, and to to see myself in an empowered way. To believe for the first time in a long time, that I deserve better than this crappy situation, that his infidelity was not my fault, and I am worth happiness and love. Especially love for and from myself.

This is Michelle Davis Weiner’s groundbreaking list:

1. Don’t pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead, or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls or texts.
3. Don’t point out “good points” in the marriage.
4. Don’t follow him/her around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or initiation discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help from his/her family.
7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
10. Don’t keep saying “I love you,” because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life, really do it!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing, and independent.
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse — get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones, but stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ask nothing! Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thereof) of your marriage. Thus, you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry, or even cold — just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More importantly, he/she will notice you are missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling today, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation.
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming, or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool, be in control of the only thing you can control: YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how you feel (it only makes their feelings stronger), In fact, refuse to argue at all.
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you, hear what it is they are saying! Listen and then listen some more.
24. Learn how to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter the provocation. No one ever got themselves in trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of YOU. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident, and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed for more than any words you can say or write. You can’t talk your way out of something you did for years.
28. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
29. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can do justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It ain’t over til it’s over!
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical, or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further, it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you case things don’t work out with the affair partner or their “new” life.

Copy this into your notes on your phone. Into your journal. Know them, memorize them, study them.

Also know that I made many mistakes at the beginning. It was HARD to incorporate these because I basically had no self-esteem and had made a habit of doing all the wrong things. I do not say this to beat myself up. I did the best I could at the time. It is important also for you to not beat yourself when you make a mistake. The best way to change your patterns of behavior is to notice what happened, your response, and what you want to do differently next time. Then, practice it.

The hardest thing for me was to keep my mouth shut, and to keep it together. When I wanted to scream or cry or beg, I went for a walk. I took a shower. I found a bathroom stall in a public place and pulled myself together. I learned how to run. I wrote in my journal. I had two people I could call to vent and fall apart to and they would help me get back on my feet and regroup. It was REALLY hard, but I did get better. It wasn’t too long before he could say something crazy to me and I would just look at him and think, “this is about him, not me,” and refuse to take it personally. I could say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I will have to think about that and get back to you.”

If you are separated, then make every interaction count. Do exciting things and let that get out. It will not only boost your own self worth and help you to be more happy with yourself, but you will also be more mysterious and show him/her that you are not falling to pieces without them (even if you are).

I will be writing some posts regarding what you can do for yourself and your relationship in the next while. I will hashtag them with the labels self esteem or self worth, and getting a life. If you are anything like me, boy, did I need to get a life. I had disconnected with myself a long time previously and forgotten who I was and what my dreams were. Think of this as an opportunity to get to know yourself again and make yourself a priority.

I am with you. It’s hard, I know, but coming from one of the most desperate, needy, codependent sad sacks out there — if I can do it, you can too. It doesn’t mean I don’t have setbacks, it just means they are fewer and farther in between. And I can put myself together much more quickly.

Now get started on this list!