In December of 2016 I faced having Christmas in a post-infidelity world. I was still raw; I was only four months from D-day, and only two weeks from discovering who his affair partner was (one of my very closest friends). I felt like I was a walking open wound.
Decorations were everywhere, people were singing, signs declaring “Joy!” and “Peace!” were hanging everywhere.
Joy and peace were still concepts I could not quite wrap my head around. Joy? How could one find joy in the midst of the deepest pain I had ever experienced in my life. I did not know what my future held. I did not know what my life would look like in six months, a year. I knew my husband still had very strong feelings for this woman, and what felt like none for me. At least not of the loving kind.
I became one of the many souls who are carrying grief at what we have been told is the most wonderful time of the year. I felt anything but wonderful.
I went through the motions of the holidays. It was easy to feel sorry for myself; happy family Christmas cards seemed to mock me for what I did not have. Commercials with husbands giving wives these loving Christmas gifting moments: gag. Taking the meaningful ornaments out of storage that marked our first Christmas and each child’s birth was an intensely painful reminder of what I was not sure I had anymore. Singing joyful Christmas hymns and talking about forever families was a painful reminder of what I had lost (perhaps forever) and what seemed so far away.
Joy seemed a joke.
I am now coming up on my third Christmas since that time, and having done a tremendous amount of work on myself, I am much more able to handle the inevitable feelings and triggers that will arise. They are not as strong and overwhelming as before, but still pop up. I’ve thought much about what advice I would give to someone new to this particular pain.
1. Be very careful of your expectations for Christmas. Do not set yourself up to fail. If you have some sort of belief that your spouse is going to give you a meaningful, romantic, beautiful gift to show how much they love and need you, there is an incredibly good chance you will be disappointed. That disappointment will invite in discouragement and a veritable trigger party. I hoped my husband would look at me across the Christmas tree lights after the kids went to bed and tell me in a soft voice how much he much he took me for granted and how much he needed me and would never let me go. Then he would give me some sort of meaningful and expensive jewelry and kiss me sweetly. It, of course, did not happen. In reality, that’s the stuff Hallmark movies are made of. Pure fantasy with a dash of hopium. When you feel some sort of grand expectation beginning, ask yourself gently if that expectation is based in reality, or if you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. And listen, if you do happen down that path and fall flat on your face, it’s okay. It happens to us all. I’ve been there! Dust yourself off and get back up again. The worst thing you or I can do is berate ourselves in these moments. There is no healing in that. We are all doing the best we can with no manual.
Be kind to yourself, and lower your expectations a million miles. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to have the perfect happy moment at Christmas. No one can live up to that. Instead, look for what baby steps you can see in your spouse or yourself that will show potential healing or progress. Emphasis on the baby steps. When we look for grand gestures, we miss the small, important moments.
2. Be very very very kind and gentle with yourself. Do not beat yourself up for “doing something wrong” or “making a mistake” or “not being whatever it is you are/were supposed to be.” Take care of yourself. Hug yourself — I’m serious! Practice positive self-talk. “I am so proud of myself today.” “I am doing the best I can. This is hard, and here I am, showing up for myself anyway. I’m amazing.” “I am beautiful. I am smart. I am funny. I am spiritual.” What are your talents? What are you good at? Remind yourself of this over and over again. Do not need someone else to validate you or make you feel good about yourself. No one else gets to decide if you are happy at Christmas. Choose yourself. I have told myself, “My husband may not choose me, and I will be just fine because I choose myself. I can take care of myself.” Do something kind for yourself. Take a long, hot shower and use your favorite soap. This is important because trauma can cause us to neglect ourselves. I have had times where I could barely brush my hair or wash my face. What can contribute to healing in this time is doing it anyway. Seriously. I would wash my face and say, “I am taking care of myself. I don’t feel like it, but I am doing it anyway because I am worth it.”
Be careful of thoughts like this: “One year ago today I had no idea what was happening or what was coming for me.” Picture a big, fat, red stop sign and stop those thoughts. I used to get trapped in these. It’s not healthy and instead of normal emotion processing, we can get stuck in feeling sorry for ourselves.
3. Phone a friend. I have two people who know what has happened. All of it. They are people I can call and say, “I need you to tell me good things about myself,” “I’ve got to vent for two minutes,” or “Make me laugh.” I always feel better after being able to dump my insecurities and have someone talk some sense into me about my worth.
4. Journal it. Take your journal and pour it out. Another tool is to take a piece of paper and pour your feelings out and then burn it. It’s cathartic and then you don’t take those feelings out on others — or yourself.
5. Move your body. I know you think I’m joking when I suggest you dance. I’m not. Studies show moving your body interrupts your thought pattern and causes your brain to essentially “reboot.” Get out of your house if you can. Go for a walk. If you are in a car or on a plane, move your wrists and ankles in circles. I personally had never run in my life, but became a runner a few months after discovery. I may not look pretty running, but that’s okay because it feels so empowering.
In trauma, our body tends to freeze and our muscles tighten. Notice this the next time you feel triggered. We start collapsing our space. Even as I type this post I will stop and shake my shoulders, breathe deeply, and “dance” a little in my seat. Which leads me back to my dance suggestion. Seriously, no one is watching. Put on crazy music and dance like a wild person around the room. It works. But you’ve got to get out of the frozen mode.
6. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. It’s so easy to despair. And there is nothing there but a sucking hole of hopelessness. There is no happiness there. Trust me, I’ve been there. It robbed me of my connection to myself and everything beautiful about me. Now, instead, I take a deep breath and start with what comes to mind. I am grateful for my body. I am grateful for the shining sun, it makes me happy. I am grateful I live near the ocean. I am grateful for my children. I am grateful for my dear friends who are such a rock in my life. And I feel hope grow in my heart.
7. Laugh. I will pull up favorite late show clips, comedy shows, or comedians and take a few minutes to laugh. It will get you out of that ruminating rut and change the whole dynamic.
8. Find out what Christmas means to you. For me, Christmas now has deep meaning because I was forced to go to a place where I had to learn the joy of it for myself; a joy that could not depend on if we could pay our bills, if I was feeling grief or not, if my husband loved me or not. I knew that I didn’t want Christmas to be a sad occasion for me for the rest of my life. So I had to make the decision to own my Christmas. To be accountable for my experience, even knowing that I could only control myself. Christmas is a much more beautiful experience for me because of this. I had to figure out how to process and acknowledge my feelings and also choose to be happy.
I believe that the most powerful tools that Satan uses are shame, fear, despair, and hopelessness. Be aware and on your guard for these tools! When I begin to be afraid, afraid because I can’t control how my husband feels, what he chooses, and I don’t know what my future will look like, I have to mentally shake myself and tell myself that it is a lie. Fear is a liar. Despair is a liar. I will be okay. This is a powerful mental shift you can make. As an aside, the Adversary uses these same tools on your spouse as well. They are fighting their own battles with shame, fear, and despair. I have tried to have compassion for that.
In the October 2016 general conference, President Russell M. Nelson gave a talk that is perfect for this experience: “Joy and Spiritual Survival.” Fun fact: It actually really bugged me when it first came out but is now one of my favorites. I will explain why in a another post.
Dear friends, be kind to yourself. Know that the Son of God descended below all and came to this Earth. He has felt all of your suffering and pain. No one knows it better than He. Allow Him to comfort and be with you, to remind you of your worth and your great future. Allow His peace “which passeth all understanding” to be with you at this time. May you feel Him in those quiet, simple moments and know that you are deeply loved. See the vision of future you, in a time not too far away: confident, peaceful, happy, and loved. Merry Christmas. You are wonderful.
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