This morning the Church announced alternate arrangements for conference due to the Covid-19 virus. It got me thinking about conference, and then thinking about how conference has influenced my own healing.
In the October 2019 session, there were several messages that really hit home for me. There were many talks and phrases that spoke to my Spirit and supported my goals to rely on the Lord, His grace and mercy, and the atonement to keep moving forward. I am grateful for leaders who are able to fast and pray to receive inspiration for us.
I would like to mention specifically our Prophet, Russel M Nelson’s address in the General Women’s Session. This one, entitled “Spiritual Treasures,” really touched and spoke to my soul. When I listened to this address live, tears ran down my face at several points. I would like to share with you some parts that spoke to me and why.
I appreciated his thoughts about drawing the Savior’s power into my life. Asking specifically how to discover what the Holy Ghost can teach me.
One of the things I really love about him is his connection and desire to reach out to women. I have never really seen anything like it before. Here is one paragraph from his address that hit me like lightning:
“Satan and his minions will constantly contrive roadblocks to prevent you from understanding the spiritual gifts with which you have been and can be blessed. Unfortunately, some roadblocks may be the result of another’s misbehavior. It grieves me to think that any of you have felt marginalized or have not been believed by a priesthood leader or have been abused or betrayed by a husband, father, or a supposed friend. I feel deep sorrow that any of you have felt sidelined, disrespected, or misjudged. Such offenses have no place in the kingdom of God.”
Wow. Seriously, wow. I felt like he was specifically speaking to me. I felt validation and love in regards to how my situation was handled by my husband and certain Priesthood leaders. I am not here to begrudge those leaders. I don’t think they intended to neglect or hurt me. I don’t think they are bad men. But I think there is a lack of training there and an understanding on the support that someone in my position needs. Tears, guys. Hit me right in the gut.
Here’s another:
“If you are endowed but not currently married to a man who bears the priesthood and someone says to you, “I’m sorry you don’t have the priesthood in your home,” please understand that that statement is incorrect. You may not have a priesthood bearer in your home, but you have received and made sacred covenants with God in His temple. From those covenants flows an endowment of His priesthood power upon you. And remember, if your husband should die, you would preside in your home.”
Dear readers, I have wept many tears and had my heart broken thinking that this beautiful power was somehow absent in my home. I have had anxiety thinking that my children and I lost a right and blessing because of one person’s choices. It was so incredibly painful. When I heard this I thought he was speaking directly to me. It lifted a weight off my weary shoulders and comforted my heart.
I have tried very hard to incorporate his promises in my life with these words:
“My dear sisters, your power will increase as you serve others. Your prayers, fasting, time in the scriptures, service in the temple, and family history work will open the heavens to you.”
I have listened to his talk many, many times. And each time I have picked up something different to apply to my life. I have begun doing family history work again, ironically for my husband’s family who have had almost nothing done. I like to think they are aware of me and looking out for me and for my children.
While I would not wish my experience on anyone, as with all things in life there have been some gifts in this severe adversity. I have great compassion for those who have experienced deep heartache. Who have sobbed in grocery store parking lots so their children didn’t see. Who have been mistreated or abandoned by a spouse. Who have been betrayed or had promises broken. I have such love for single mothers and those of us who had their husband’s membership and priesthood keys taken away. You can never really understand what this is like until you have lived the deep sorrow and reality of it. I am grateful to be a better, kinder, more humble person. I still of course have a long way to go to be the person I would like to be, but I have a vision of it truly.
What words and messages touched your heart? What insights did you receive? Did some messages come as answers to prayers and questions or as comfort to your wounded heart? And what would you like to receive in this upcoming conference?
What I face every day is hard. Incredibly hard. I have a husband who does not want to be with me, and after all I have endured would like to end this marriage and family. But even in the hardest parts, I see sure evidence of the Lord’s hand in my life. I marvel at these witnesses of his love for me. I know he weeps tears with me. He is so good to me.
I pray for you also, wherever you are. I hope you get the comfort you are looking for, and see the strength that lies within you.
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